Seven Bacon Products You Probably Didn’t Know Existed
I love bacon. Anytime I have breakfast, brunch or brinner (Mmm… brinner), I’ll get bacon. The more bacon, the better. My preference: crispy enough that it doesn’t go limp when you pick it up, but still chewy in parts. I’m a fan of bacon on Facebook. I lived with a cat who responded to the word, “Bacon”.
Bacon is just amazing.
However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed the disturbing trend of bacon-related products entering the market. I probably love bacon as much as the next guy, but there is a love of bacon and then there is an unhealthy obsession with bacon. And it’s this obsession that’s led to things that should just not be.
While not technically made of bacon, the Bacon Wallet is made of faux leather – and that’s almost like being made of bacon, right? For roughly $12.00, you can whip out your “meat” in the supermarket and pay for your basket full of Jimmy Dean. People may say you can’t be taken seriously with a wallet made out of an old Atari game cartridge. But honestly – who won’t think less of you with a wallet that looks to be made out of bacon?
Bacon Wallet - Click for Larger View
6. Bacon-aids
Okay, okay… Again, another product not made of bacon, but it sure looks like it. Bacon Bandages, while providing aid and comfort to cuts and scrapes, just look… odd. Especially if they’re stuck to some kid’s elbow. When I see a bacon bandage, I don’t first see bacon – I see some scary skin disease or possible burn victim.
Bacon Strip Bandages - Click for Larger View
5. Bacon Water
Dogs love bacon-flavored treats. Have you not heard of Snausages? Why not double-up on replacing that dog-breath with bacon-flavored water? Developed by Mollibrands, Inc., Molli’s Choice premium non-carbonated, vitamin-enhanced water is “specially formulated to promote healthy teeth, bones, eyes and heart” in your pet… and make panting all the more enjoyable.
I want to chew/eat my bacon – I don’t want to suck on it. Branded as “Manbait”, nothing about a bacon-flavored lollipop whispers in my ear, “Come to me.” All it tells me: “I have an oral fixation and enjoy bacon.” On second thought, it might not be so bad.
Manbait Lollipops - Click for Larger View
3. Bacos
ba·co [bah-koh] n. A pork “tortilla” folded around a filling such as ground meat or cheese. No – not Bacon Bit “Bacos”. This is one of the most unappetizing bacon products I’ve seen (even more so than bacon-flavored bourbon or vodka). Weaving up to eight pieces of bacon into a circle and baking it over tin-foil “shapers”, you can then fill the shell with your choice of toppings. The worst one I saw was the Greek Baco: seasoned ground lamb, cucumber, assorted olives, feta cheese, sun-dried tomato and Greek yogurt.
Baco - Click for Larger View
2. Baconnaise
Not chewy bacon. Not fatty bacon. We’re talking creamy, milky bacon. Need I say any more?
Baconnaise - Click for Larger View
Do you find regular oil-based lubricants not slick enough? Has Wallace-O’Farrell’s Slippery Stuff Gel lost it’s excitement? I have two words for you: F*cking Gross Bacon Lube. I can understand flavored lubricants, but bacon? Seriously? I’m guessing this product came about because some woman or man felt that “smoking the hog” was false advertising. I don’t think I’d ever be able to eat at IHOP again.
Bacon Lube - Click for Larger View
So WTF bacon-lovers? Can we please stop this bastardization of bacon and just let bacon be bacon?
Posted in W.T.F. Wednesday
July 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
[...] #4 in the list of “Seven Bacon Products You Probably Didn’t Know Existed,” Das Foods’ brilliantly named Man Bait maple bacon lollipop was also featured in a [...]