Drawn by the artwork on the bottle, this week I’ll be reviewing Rex Goliath’s California Merlot. Will this offering be “cock of the walk”?

HRM (His Royal Majesty) was apparently a treasured attraction of a Texas circus: a forty-seven pound rooster billed as the “World’s Largest Rooster”. The label is based on the circus banner featuring Rex. The wine itself won several awards in 2003 and 2004.

Appearance: HRM Rex Goliath Giant 47-Pound Rooster Free Range Merlot (Yes – that’s its full name) pours a deep purple, but a little lighter than I’d think of for a merlot. There isn’t much sediment which is nice.

Appearance Score (out of 5):

Aroma: I got a hint of fruit – mostly berries – but there wasn’t honestly all that much to “sniff”. Kind of disappointing, but it may have just been me.

Aroma Score (out of 10):

Taste: You can taste the variety of fruit in the wine: cherries, plums and maybe some blueberries. It’s a little acidic with a powerful first sip that last a few seconds before fading.

Taste Score (out of 10):

Overall: HRM Rex Goliath is an affordable wine at $9.00 for a 750 ml bottle. It was fun to try and not too bad – well deserving of a recommendation – but I don’t think it’d be one that I would pick up on a consistent basis.

Overall Score (out of 10):

Contactmusic News published a story today that Ohio lawyers are encouraging Alec Baldwin to run for governor of the state.

As we all know, Alec Baldwin is very political – from his unfulfilled promises to move to Canada if Bush won the 2000 election to his “respect” for law enforcement. No doubt he’s been groomed for the position over the past several years like other candidates and is ready to share his vast experience with the residents of Ohio.

According to the article, Baldwin told Playboy magazine, “A law firm in a liberal Democratic bastion in Ohio state politics sent me a binder with a cover letter that read: ‘Mr. Baldwin, here’s who we represent, the kinds of cases we handle, our credentials in Ohio state politics. We want you to move to Ohio and run for Governor. We will launch your career.’”

WTF Ohio lawyers? We’ve all seen how well former actors/celebrities work out as government officials (Arnold and Jessie) save Ronald Reagan. You couldn’t find someone more level-headed than Alec Baldwin? You honestly think the moderate atmosphere of Ohio is going to accept someone who has probably only been in the state to film part of a movie? Come on.

And while we’re at it, WTF Alec Baldwin? A “liberal Democratic bastion”? Ok. Looking at a historical county-by-county map of voting in Presidential elections, Ohio has “voted for” George W. Bush, Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon. But Ohio also voted in Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. 40% of Ohio’s population voted for Michael Dukakis. I don’t think “bastion” is the correct terminology. More like “stronghold”.

And just in case you were wondering, it’s not this Alec Baldwin…

It’s this one…

Geekologie reports that UK scientists have doomed us all created robots that consume organic matter to power themselves. New Scientist also covered the story, found here.

The team of James Auger and Jimmy Loizeau combine engineering and fine art to create stunning consumer technology. Some of their current projects include: a tooth that allows you to communicate with mobile telephones and computers, customizable access cards to your website, and a watch that subliminally keeps you informed of the time.

Auger and Loizeau’s latest project involves the belief that robots – once accepted into the daily lives of humans – will need to earn their keep. As such, robots can make themselves useful and power themselves by “eating” insects and rodents.

Flypaper captures insects and a scraper at the end of the roll drops the insect into the microbial fuel cell. Bacteria in the fuel cell digest the insect and cause chemical changes that the cell can extract power from.

Crumbs tempt mice towards the center of the table. When the mouse stands on the trapdoor in the center, sensors open the door and it falls into the microbial fuel cell.

Ultraviolet LEDs, which only operate in the dark, attract insects into this lamp. Digested insects continue to power it through the night.

This robot is designed to encourage spiders to build webs between pegs on the backboard. Any flies trapped in the web are tracked by a camera. After no movement has been detected for 10 minutes, the robotic arm picks out the dead fly and drops it into the fuel cell.

Beyond the disturbing thought that my coffee table is eating mice (much less that there are mice in my living area), my over-active imagination is troubled by the idea that my lampshade may turn on me in the middle of the night. Self-sufficient robots are a great idea so long as they’re living off the sun – not when they’re living off living (or formally living) things.

I have only one thing to say to Sarah Connor: RUN B*TCH, RUN!

On a more serious level, I’m amazed by the ingenuity of Auger and Loizeau. The lampshade, in my opinion, has real potential. Outside lights would no longer have to be powered by an electrical source. Your patio/porch light could be self-sustaining as well as get rid of annoying insects. This would be clutch in mosquito infested Minnesota.

Starring: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Robert Mo-Mo Mammone, Tory Mussett, Rick Hoffman and the incredibly hot duo of Sam Healy and Dasi Ruz.

Director: Scott Wiper

Synopsis: Jack Conrad (Austin) has been quietly sitting in an El Salvadorian prison for the past year when he and nine other convicts are “released” to Internet entrepreneur Ian Breckel (Mammone). Breckel offers them freedom and $1 million to be a part of his latest creation, “The Condemned”. The catch: only one person can win their freedom; the rest must die trying. Dropped on various parts of a camera-laden tropical island, the ten contestants hunt one another down and dispatch their opponents through cunning, firepower or sheer ferocity. Meanwhile, the FBI and U.S. military struggle to find out what island the convicts have landed on and how to stop the broadcast.

Opinion: The Condemned is stupid, explosivey fun. Don’t watch it expecting anything more than an action movie. If I didn’t have IMDB, I’d swear the movie was probably written by Vince MacMahon. I was kind of disappointed that there was no Stone Cold Stunner (probably for Intellectual Property reasons) because who in their right mind suplexes someone in a bare-knuckle fight to the death? Kick’em in the groin and break their neck over your shoulder.

Vinnie Jones – the psychotic ex-footballer that he is – was perfect as one of the fellow convicts. He doesn’t exactly give the SAS (Special Air Service) a good name, but I don’t think he’s supposed to. His character, Ewan McStarley, isn’t even designed to be a counter-balance to Austin’s Conrad. McStarley is just a twisted f*ck.

If you’re bored on a weekday night and have about two hours to kill, you could do worse than renting this movie.

Quotable Quotes

Jack Conrad: Sounds like you’ve had a hard life.
Ewan McStarley: Yeah.
Jack Conrad: Good thing it’s over.

Ian Breckel: Where abouts in the States are you from?
Jack Conrad: Alaska.
Ian Breckel: Where abouts in Alaska?
Jack Conrad: A little fishing town about 80 miles north of Anchorage. You’ve probably heard of it. Its called “Fuck Your Momma”.

Score (out of 10):

Feeling rather jaded, bitter and completely useless this weekend, you’ll have to settle for a picture that’s about as comical as I can muster…

Maybe I need people to make me laugh on Fridays…

Back in 1755, Arthur Guinness used £100 left to him in the will of Archbishop Price to put a down-payment on a 9,000-year lease on a disused brewery at St. James’s Gate, Dublin. Almost 15 year later (1769) Guinness was shipped out for the first time.

Finally following through with my promise from two weeks ago, this week I’m reviewing Guinness’ 250th Anniversary Stout.

Appearance: A dark, dark, dark beer. We’re talking pitch black. It’s so dark, the white foam from the regular Guinness stout is actually a chocolate brown. It’s truly a sight to behold.

Appearance Score (out of 5):

Aroma: I was surprised by the fruity aroma that came up off the glass. Mixed with the almost roasted coffee scent you expect from a Guinness, it’s pleasant.

Aroma Score (out of 10):

Taste: Unlike Guinness Extra Stout, the 25oth Anniversary Stout is rather light and not too bitter. There’s definitely the right amount of  fruit, chocolate and nut in the brewing process along with some bitter barley.

Taste Score (out of 10):

Overall: At $10.50 for a 6-pack, Guinness 250 is a treat – even more so knowing that its a “Limited Edition” brew, which means only one batch has been and ever will be made. I enjoyed it thoroughly and am sad to think I won’t be able to get this on tap or in the bottle next year.

Overall Score (out of 10):

I love bacon. Anytime I have breakfast, brunch or brinner (Mmm… brinner), I’ll get bacon. The more bacon, the better. My preference: crispy enough that it doesn’t go limp when you pick it up, but still chewy in parts. I’m a fan of bacon on Facebook. I lived with a cat who responded to the word, “Bacon”.

Bacon is just amazing.

However, over the past year or two, I’ve noticed the disturbing trend of bacon-related products entering the market. I probably love bacon as much as the next guy, but there is a love of bacon and then there is an unhealthy obsession with bacon. And it’s this obsession that’s led to things that should just not be.

7. The Bacon Wallet

While not technically made of bacon, the Bacon Wallet is made of faux leather – and that’s almost like being made of bacon, right? For roughly $12.00, you can whip out your “meat” in the supermarket and pay for your basket full of Jimmy Dean. People may say you can’t be taken seriously with a wallet made out of an old Atari game cartridge. But honestly – who won’t think less of you with a wallet that looks to be made out of bacon?

Bacon Wallet - Click for Larger View

6. Bacon-aids

Okay, okay… Again, another product not made of bacon, but it sure looks like it. Bacon Bandages, while providing aid and comfort to cuts and scrapes, just look… odd. Especially if they’re stuck to some kid’s elbow. When I see a bacon bandage, I don’t first see bacon – I see some scary skin disease or possible burn victim.

Bacon Strip Bandages - Click for Larger View

5. Bacon Water

Dogs love bacon-flavored treats. Have you not heard of Snausages? Why not double-up on replacing that dog-breath with bacon-flavored water? Developed by Mollibrands, Inc., Molli’s Choice premium non-carbonated, vitamin-enhanced water is “specially formulated to promote healthy teeth, bones, eyes and heart” in your pet… and make panting all the more enjoyable.

4. Bacon Lollipops

I want to chew/eat my bacon – I don’t want to suck on it. Branded as “Mainbait”, nothing about a bacon-flavored lollipop whispers in my ear, “Come to me.” All it tells me: “I have an oral fixation and enjoy bacon.” On second thought, it might not be so bad.

Manbait Lollipops - Click for Larger View

3. Bacos

ba·co [bah-koh] n. A pork “tortilla” folded around a filling such as ground meat or cheese. No – not Bacon Bit “Bacos”. This is one of the most unappetizing bacon products I’ve seen (even more so than bacon-flavored bourbon or vodka). Weaving up to eight pieces of bacon into a circle and baking it over tin-foil “shapers”, you can then fill the shell with your choice of toppings. The worst one I saw was the Greek Baco: seasoned ground lamb, cucumber, assorted olives, feta cheese, sun-dried tomato and Greek yogurt.

Baco - Click for Larger View

2. Baconnaise

Not chewy bacon. Not fatty bacon. We’re talking creamy, milky bacon. Need I say any more?

Baconnaise - Click for Larger View

1. Bacon Lubricant

Do you find regular oil-based lubricants not slick enough? Has Wallace-O’Farrell’s Slippery Stuff Gel lost it’s excitement? I have two words for you: F*cking Gross Bacon Lube. I can understand flavored lubricants, but bacon? Seriously? I’m guessing this product came about because some woman or man felt that “smoking the hog” was false advertising. I don’t think I’d ever be able to eat at IHOP again.

Bacon Lube - Click for Larger View

So WTF bacon-lovers? Can we please stop this bastardization of bacon and just let bacon be bacon?

Geekologie brings us the story that Panasonic has developed a gel-based remote that remains “limp” when not in use, but “stiffens” when “turned on”.

Evidently, sensors on the inside of the remote detect human touch and cause the remote to “come” to life. When not in use, the remote just lays there, emanating a “pulsing” light.

Alright… Even I can’t take any more bad puns. Why on earth would you invent this Panasonic? For what reason must this technology exist? Curse you!

Lately I’ve had the urge to listen to comedy. I think its because I watched an hour or two of new stand-up on Comedy Central and had no idea who the people were. That and I read an article about the top 10 comics of the past decade and might have only been able to pick out one or two people I’ve heard before. Either way, I downloaded a couple new comedy albums to listen to and have been thoroughly impressed. One of the first ones I’ve listened to all the way through is Brian Posehn.

Some of you may know Brian Posehn from his tour with the Comedians of Comedy (also starring Patton Oswalt, Maria Bamford and Zack Galifianakis). Others may know him – but not by name – because of his many appearances as an extremely tall, quiet spoken geek on a variety of TV shows (Friends, Just Shoot Me, The Sarah Silverman Program, Seinfeld, etc.)

A lot of Posehn’s comedy focuses on the geeky side of life. He talks about growing up as an outcast, his love of science fiction and comic books and his ties to metal music. I was completely unaware that he fronts a band, aptly named POSEHN, which includes Scott Ian, Joey Vera, John Tempesta and Jonathan Donais (all respected metal figures). He isn’t as foul mouthed – which I don’t mind either way – as a lot of the comedians are today, but certainly caused me to burst into a laugh riot while laying out by the pool.

Quotable Quotes

If you’re going to pinpoint one particular group or any group who ruins movies, I think you have to go after who really ruins movies… old Jewish ladies and Mexican babies. Cause old Jewish ladies never say anything funny. They’re always like: “Who’s he? What’s happening? Whose car is that?” And Mexican babies never say anything. If I went to a movie and heard a Mexican baby go, “Look out, bitch! He got a knife!” I would shit my pants, go home and tell everyone it was the best movie I ever saw.

To me, because I’m a huge nerd and because I f*cking loved the Star Wars movies since I was nine years old when I found them, to me – when I spent all this money worshiping George Lucas – it was like an act of betrayal [making the prequels]. To me it’s like your uncle trying to put his wiener in your mouth. Nothing gross. Not when you’re a kid – I mean now… when you’re a full grown adult.

Score (out of 10):

A little joke in honor of BarBri and all the people whose lives it has ruined, apologized to and then made better…

Client: “I bought and paid for two dozen glass decanters that were
advertised at $16 a dozen, f. o. b., and when they were delivered… they
were empty!”

Lawyer: “Well, what do you expect?”

Client: “Full of booze. Isn’t that what f. o. b. means?”